


Te Amo

by raphaelsantiagosavedhimself



Category: Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Book Spoilers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Saving Raphael Santiago spoilers, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 22:36:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6678055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raphaelsantiagosavedhimself/pseuds/raphaelsantiagosavedhimself
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon finally wants Raphael's help, starting with being able to touch Jewish symbols without being burned</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Edited version of the one on my tumblr

‘Is there anything else I can help you with?’ Raphael asked, sarcasm dripping from every word.

Simon and Clary stayed silent, but Jace was angry. ‘You’re his vampire sire. You’re supposed to help him.’

‘I offered him my help when he was reborn as a Child of the Night,’ Raphael said coldly. ‘And he didn’t want it. But you think I will come to his beck and call every time his own idiocy gets him into trouble?’

‘Don’t call him an idiot!’ Clary snapped.

‘He is a vampire who refuses to feed until he passes out from starvation,’ Raphael said, turning his gaze to Clary instead. ‘How is that not the very definition of idiocy?’

Clary scowled but apparently had no reply, because she fell silent again. She held Simon’s hand in her own as Simon leaned heavily against Jace, still recovering.

With one final glare, Jace put a supportive arm around Simon’s shoulders and the three of them turned away from the Hotel. Raphael went back into the Hotel, swearing under his breath.

* * *

It was a week later when he found Simon hanging around outside of the Hotel again. Perfectly healthy this time, but apparently unable to decide whether he wanted to come in or not.

‘Sir, your Daylighter is outside,’ one of the vampires informed Raphael.

Raphael debated on telling him ‘he’s not my Daylighter’ but decided not to bother. When he got outside he thought for a moment that Simon had decided to leave. Then he saw him a short distance away, staring up at the Hotel thoughtfully and looking uncertain.

Raphael was almost right behind him before Simon turned around and noticed him. He jumped back several paces and almost tripped over on the cracked concrete.

‘Did you have to do that?’ Simon asked, after regaining his balance.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Looking for you.’

‘Why?’

‘I wanted to ask for your help.’

Raphael raised his eyebrows.

‘I mean not with anything in particular!’ Simon added hastily, stumbling over his own words in his rush to say them. ‘I mean, well, yes, something in particular, but I was also wondering if it maybe possibly wasn’t too late to take you up on your offer of helping me… in general…’

Raphael said nothing for a while as he scrutinised Simon. Simon was several inches taller than he was. He hadn’t taken much notice of Simon’s appearance on the only occasion he had seen him when Simon had been a mundane, but he could still tell where the vampirism had slightly altered him. He should have been lanky, all knees and elbows, but he now had the unearthly grace granted to all vampires. His skin was perfectly smooth, poreless, like white marble, and his eyes such an intense shade of brown they were almost black, like Raphael’s own. His hair should have been a mess, but instead it gave off an impression of careless elegance. No matter how much he wanted to pretend otherwise, Simon was a vampire and there was nothing he could do to change that.

‘What do you want?’ Raphael asked.

‘Does it still hurt when you wear that crucifix?’ Simon asked.

Surprised by the question, Raphael’s hand went to the cross that hung around his neck. ‘Not anymore,’ he said. ‘Like saying the name of God.’

‘Yeah, I can’t do that either,’ Simon said with a small smile. ‘How do you do it?’

Raphael shrugged. ‘Practice. There isn’t really any kind of trick, you just need to endure the pain until it no longer hurts.’

‘Oh, that’s all is it?’ Simon said sarcastically. He closed his eyes and when he opened them again, the sincerity was back. ‘Sorry. But… if that’s all it is, why does there need to be someone else there to help?’

Raphael gave Simon a smile that did not reach his eyes. ‘Because there needs to be someone there to tell you to stop when you have had enough. Otherwise you might kill yourself.’

‘I’m already dead.’ 

Raphael rolled his eyes. ‘You know what I mean. You expose yourself to only a little daylight and it burns you. You expose yourself to too much daylight, you die.’ He paused, and then said, ‘Well, _you_ don’t, but you get my point. The same principle applies here. A little burns, too much kills.’

‘Who helped you?’

‘Bane.’

‘Magnus?’

‘He never told you?’

‘No. He didn’t.’

‘He would most likely agree to help you if you asked.’

Simon opened his mouth to respond, then closed it again. He wore the same expression as he had when looking at the Hotel before he realised Raphael had been watching him. The kind of expression that said ‘this is what I want to do but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea’.

‘You would rather I helped you,’ Raphael supplied for him. It wasn’t a question.

Looking embarrassed, Simon nodded.

‘Why?’

‘Because… you’ve actually been through this.’

‘Do you think that will make me nicer to you?’

‘No,’ Simon said. ‘I expect you to be just as horrible to me as you always are. But you’ll understand better.’

‘Do you have any idea of the level of agony you will have to endure?’

‘Yes.’

‘I permanently scarred myself doing it.’

‘I know.’

‘Are you sure this is what you want?’

‘Yes.’ Simon took several steps towards Raphael. ‘I don’t want to be burned by my own faith. Like it’s been turned against me. You know?’

For the first time, Raphael’s expression softened. ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I know.’ He thought for a moment, and then said, ‘It is not going to be easy or pleasant. Think it over and then if you still want to do this, come back tomorrow night.’

* * *

Simon could tell from the brief look of surprise on his face that Raphael had not expected him to come back. Simon had surprised himself a little too. He had gone to bed during the day, knowing he was going to need his strength for the night, but had lain awake for hours, wondering if he was really ready to do this. He had never had a very high tolerance for pain. He remembered burning his finger on the stove once when he was fourteen and he would have cried from the pain if Clary had not been there. But he had refused to cry in front of Clary and he would not cry in front of Raphael either.

‘Daylighter,’ Raphael said.

The vampire who had led Simon into the Hotel was looking at him with open curiosity. Simon couldn’t help but wonder if he was one of the vampires who had almost killed him. One of the ones who had attacked him and drank his blood before Raphael fought them all off.

Without another word, Raphael turned and walked off down a dark corridor. Simon figured he was supposed to follow, but he kept a short distance away. This hallway was empty apart from the two of them, and seemed to be in much better condition than what Simon had seen of the rest of the Hotel.

Raphael stopped at the end of the corridor, pushed a door open and stepped aside to let Simon pass. Fighting an overwhelmingly childish urge to refuse to enter the room first in case it was some sort of trap, Simon stepped over the threshold. Raphael followed him inside and closed the door behind him, but Simon paid him no attention. The room was large, decorated minimally, everything in shades of either black or white, except for the carpet which was a deep, plush red.

A double bed with black sheets dominated most of the room, and a towering wardrobe stood beside the shuttered window.

‘This is your bedroom,’ Simon said, unable to suppress a laugh. ‘I can’t believe you have a bedroom.’

‘Where did you think I slept?’

‘I’d never really considered it,’ Simon shrugged, still looking around the room. ‘It’s just, having a bedroom is so…normal. A room with a bed and a wardrobe with your clothes in and pictures on the walls.’

The picture he was referring to was a small photograph in a simple frame, mounted on the wall above the bed. It depicted a woman and five children, all boys. Simon identified Raphael immediately, the oldest of the children. The woman – Raphael’s mother, Simon realised with a jolt – held a small child in her arms, no older than three or four, Simon guessed, while Raphael held the hand of one of the other boys. They all had certain similarities that distinguished them as a family; they all had the same heart shaped faces and black curls. There was one difference however, though Simon didn’t know if he was simply imagining it based on his knowledge of Raphael now; there seemed to be a glint in Raphael’s eyes that made his smile look more like a smirk. The kind of expression that said ‘just because I look like an angel, it doesn’t mean I am one.’

‘How old were you then?’ Simon asked.

‘Thirteen.’

‘So just two years younger than you are now? Theoretically.’ Just two years away from his death. Or his rebirth, depending on how you wanted to look at it.

‘We can debate immortal ages all night if you want, but wasn’t there a more important reason you came here?’

Suddenly remembering where he was and why, Simon tore his eyes away from the Santiago family photograph and turned to face Raphael. Raphael was holding up a silver Star of David pendant and there was a questioning look in his eyes.

Simon nodded.

‘Sit down.’

Simon sat awkwardly on the edge of the bed and Raphael stood before him. Simon held out his hand and Raphael slowly lowered the pendant into his palm. As soon as the Star touched his skin, a burst of burning agony shot up his arm. Simon instinctively pulled his hand away with a gasp, and then began to cough on the air he didn’t need to breathe.

When he had calmed down and the pain in his hand was receding he glanced up at Raphael, expecting him to look annoyed, but Raphael surprised him. His expression was calm, patient. He had made no move to reassure Simon that he was okay, but he also hadn’t rolled his eyes, swore, complained or expressed annoyance in any other way. Just waited for Simon to recover.

Simon looked at the palm of his hand. The angry red burn had already faded. But it had hurt like hell, and the pendent had barely touched him.

When he held out his hand again Raphael dropped the whole pendant into it. Simon caught it, wrapping his fingers around it, and then cried out and dropped it to the floor. The smell of his own flesh burning was making him feel sick, and the pain in his hand was excruciating. His vision blurred red, as his eyes watered. One bloody, frustrated tear slipped down his cheek. So he was going to cry in front of Raphael after all. But he was in too much agony and was too angry to care.

‘What did you do that for?’ Simon said, his voice raw.

‘Easiest way,’ Raphael said. ‘It’s what Bane did to me.’ He spoke in an indifferent tone of voice, so Simon was startled when he felt Raphael’s cold fingers under his chin. Raphael tilted Simon’s face up and gently brushed the bloody tear away with his thumb. ‘The first few times are the worst,’ Raphael said, his thumb still lightly trailing across Simon’s cheek. ‘But it gets easier after that.’

* * *

For three nights they continued in this way. Raphael wouldn’t let Simon hold the pendant more than three or four times. The burn on his hand always healed, but it took longer and longer each time. He wondered if he was going to end up with a permanent scar there, like the cross on Raphael’s collarbone. He found himself staring at that scar a lot.

‘One more try!’ Simon insisted.

Raphael shook his head.

‘Please!’ Simon pleaded. ‘Just one more. I think it’s getting better.’

Surprising him for the second time in three days, Raphael laughed and said, ‘ _Dios_ , was I really this annoying?’

‘What?’

‘I was like this too. Telling Bane I was strong enough to try again when he told me I wasn’t.’

‘Did you listen to him?’

‘Of course not. You should listen to me though.’ 

‘Why?’

‘Because I am not Magnus Bane and I will not be nice to you when you do something idiotic.’

‘Did you just call yourself idiotic?’ Simon asked with a grin.

Raphael sat down on the edge of bed beside Simon. ‘Yes.’

Neither of them spoke for a while. Simon examined his hand. The burn was still there and it still stung. He tried to keep his hand perfectly still, because it hurt more when he moved it.

Simon cast a sideways glance at Raphael. Raphael was looking up at the photograph of his family and there was longing in his dark eyes. He held onto the crucifix around his neck with one hand, something Simon noticed he did whenever he talked about his family or his faith. It was almost an absent gesture. He could afford for it to be an absent gesture, because he always knew the crucifix would be there. It didn’t burn him anymore.

‘What was it like for you?’ Simon asked. ‘When you first became a vampire?’

Raphael turned his gaze onto Simon and for a moment Simon thought he was going to make some sarcastic comment or tell him to ‘mind his own damn business, _dios_!’

But no. Surprise number three.

‘I had nightmares,’ Raphael said. ‘I was turned into a vampire because I went after a vampire that was killing children in my town. I wanted to get it before it got my little brothers. And I did, but not before it got me instead. First thing I did when I was reborn was push him into the sunlight and watch him burn. But then there was no one around to look after me. To feed me. I killed all of my friends. Drank their blood and killed every single one of them. I had nightmares for months afterwards of them coming back from the dead. They’d hold me down as the sun was rising and wait for me to burn, the way I had burned my sire. It’s what I would have deserved.’ 

‘You couldn’t control it,’ Simon said, remembering his own rebirth. Remembering Clary. Seeing Clary – _recognising_ Clary – and not caring, wanting nothing but to bite her and taste her blood. He had almost had her too, until a very powerful force had knocked him away from her. ‘You stopped me from doing that to my friends.’

‘The guilt never goes away,’ Raphael said. ‘I didn’t want that for you.’

‘Why would you have cared?’

Raphael’s eyes met Simon’s as he said, ‘Why wouldn’t I have cared?’

‘You’ve never cared.’

‘If I did not care, why would I be doing this? Helping you? I’m not gaining anything from it.’

‘Then why—’

‘Are you hungry?’ Raphael interrupted.

‘Am I…?’ Simon said, momentarily confused. ‘Yeah, I guess.’

‘I’ll get blood.’ Raphael got to his feet and left the room.

Simon watched him go, bewildered. He didn’t know whether he liked Raphael being so open and honest and understanding or if it made him feel a little unsettled. His only memory of Raphael ever being nice to him before now was immediately after he had crawled out of his own grave.

_Well I haven’t exactly been very nice to him_ , Simon thought. _I’ve been so focused on maintaining some semblance of a normal life I pushed him away every time he actually offered help_. And then, as if the realisation had only just hit him; _I’d be dead if it wasn’t for Raphael. He saved my life. He didn’t have to do that and we all acted like me being a vampire was his fault. And he’s_ still _agreeing to help me._

Raphael had left the Star of David pendant on the bed sheets. Simon picked it up by the chain, which didn’t burn him, and held it up before his eyes. It swung slightly from side to side in the air. There was still an angry red burn on the palm of his hand. He thought it had faded slightly, but it was definitely taking much longer than usual. Still, the pain had been lessening each time. Not so much that he noticed the difference between each time he held the pendant, but when he compared the pain it gave him now to that of several nights ago, it had definitely gotten better.

Steeling himself, Simon put his other hand a few centimetres below the pendant and then let the pendant drop. He wrapped his fingers around it, suppressing a small cry of pain as it burned his flesh. He refused to let go of it. His fangs had slid free and dug into his lower lip, causing a thin trickle of blood to run down his chin. He barely noticed.

The pain intensified and Simon uncurled his fingers, holding his hand flat. There was an imprint of the Star across his fingers in burned flesh and looking at it suddenly made him want to cry. Why was this fair? Why did he deserve this? All he had done was drink the wrong damn drink at a party. Raphael had gone off to protect his family and killed a dangerous vampire, protecting his _entire town_. Simon had been turned into a rat.

He closed his fist around the silver pendant again, almost revelling in the renewed surge of pain.

Distantly, he heard someone shouting, something shattering. Then Raphael’s panicked face appeared before him, but Raphael seemed to be falling away from him. The last thing he saw was Raphael’s eyes, wide with fear, and his lips shaping Simon’s name, before everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After spending so much time in each other's company, Simon and Raphael begin to accept their true feelings for each other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited version to the one I posted on my tumblr

When Simon woke up, he had no idea where he was. The room was pitch black and perfectly silent. His hand ached, his head pounded and his stomach was cramped with hunger.

He sat up. His vampire vision meant he was able to see easily in the dark, but for a wild, panicked moment he had no idea where he was. Then something swatted him on the back of the head. Not incredibly hard, but enough to give him a shock and rock him forwards slightly. He let out a yell of fright.

‘I thought you were going to die!’ Raphael yelled. ‘What did I tell you about holding religious symbols for too long? And you haven’t fed since the last time you passed out have you? I can tell because that burn isn’t healing properly. _Dios, idiota_! If the only reason you are doing this is so you can continue pretending you are not a vampire then I refuse to help you any longer.’

Simon had only just fully recalled where he was and why by the time Raphael finished his tirade. He was in the Hotel Dumort, in Raphael’s room, in Raphael’s bed. Raphael sat on the other side of the bed and the words he spoke were furious, but somehow they didn’t seem to match the expression on his face.

‘Why does it bother you so much whether I accept that I’m a vampire or not?’ Simon snapped, rubbing the back of his head where Raphael had hit him.

‘Because you’re an idiot.’

Simon opened his mouth to argue that that wasn’t an answer, but a wave of dizziness washed over him. He closed his eyes, feeling the room spin around him.

‘Drink,’ Raphael said.

When he opened his eyes again, Raphael was holding out a glass of blood. Simon snatched it from Raphael’s hands and swallowed the contents of the glass in seconds. Then he slowly handed the glass back to Raphael, looking shamefaced. Raphael replaced it beside the bed and carefully took hold of Simon’s right hand. It was only then that Simon realised there was a bandage wrapped around it. Raphael silently unwound the bandage. Simon looked at the skin in the palm of his hand. The pain had faded as soon as he drank the blood and the burn was receding. But there was a scar there. He didn’t need to be told that was never going to go away.

‘How many times do I need to save you from dying, Daylighter?’

‘Why am I still here?’ Simon asked.

‘You can leave if you want. I cannot. It’s daylight outside.’

‘You could have called Clary or Magnus or someone to tell them I was here.’

‘And have them think I tried to kill you again? I would rather not. A simple thank you would have been nice though. I may not always be around to look after you.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Simon said. ‘Thank you.’

Raphael raised his eyebrows, as if he had not expected an actual apology.

‘If you would rather go home you would be better off calling your friends to come and get you however, I think you are probably too weak to make the journey home right now. You need to rest.’

Simon considered for a moment. He had not told the others he was coming to Raphael for help with anything. They probably _would_ think Raphael had intentionally harmed him. They had blamed Raphael for Simon becoming a vampire when in fact Raphael had Turned him to save him from death.

And really, he didn’t fancy the journey home right now, no matter who he went with.

‘Or you could stay here,’ Raphael said, seemingly following Simon’s train of thought.

‘Would that not be… weird?’

‘Not comfortable with your sexuality, Daylighter?’ Raphael asked with a smirk.

‘That’s not what I meant!’ Simon spluttered. ‘I just meant…’

Raphael waited, but Simon wasn’t sure how to finish.

Eventually, Raphael shrugged.

‘It is your choice,’ he said. He climbed under the bed covers and lay down, facing away from Simon.

* * *

_‘Was it worth it?’ he asked, leaning over Raphael. ‘Were the lives of your brothers really worth more than the lives of your friends? Do you regret it, Santiago? It was your idea to kill the vampire and we are the ones who suffered for it. You deserve this. You deserve to burn.’_

_The sun was rising. Rising too quickly. Its rays stretching closer and closer to Raphael. He turned to run, but arms reached out and pulled him back._

_‘No!’ a voice commanded. ‘Let me hold him. He did this to me and now I want to hold him down while he burns.’_

_His dead friends stepped aside and Simon approached Raphael. There was nothing but pure hatred in his eyes and disgust on his face as he took hold of Raphael and held him firmly in place as the sunlight came closer and closer._

_‘You_ wanted _to burn,’ Simon whispered into his ear. ‘I’m just giving you what you want. It’s a kindness, like you thought saving me from death would be a kindness. We’re both damned Raphael, but your damnation was your own choice. Mine wasn’t. You did this to me.’_

 _‘Simon, please,’ Raphael pleaded. ‘Please don’t. Simon, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._ Simon, please _!’_

_The sunlight reached him, and Raphael began to scream._

* * *

‘Raphael?’

He screamed again, backing away from the familiar voice, unsure of where he was.

‘Hey! It’s okay!’ Simon said. ‘You just had a nightmare.’

He started to calm down as Simon’s words sank in. He brushed hair out of his eyes as he glanced around his room, his other hand going automatically to the cross around his neck. The feel of it relaxed him, comforted him.

The leftover terror from the nightmare was already fading, and he turned his attention back to Simon. Simon’s hair was mussed and tumbled over his forehead. There was a wild look in his eyes, the kind of look people usually got when they were jolted unexpectedly out of sleep. The other half of the blanket was pulled up to his waist.

‘You’re still here,’ Raphael said.

‘And you call me an idiot for stating the obvious.’

‘Why are you still here?’

Simon shrugged, averting his eyes. ‘Didn’t fancy the journey home.’

Raphael looked at him for several seconds, considering, and then he lay back down in bed and put an arm over his eyes. He felt Simon watching him, but eventually Simon lay down too. It felt strange having someone else in the bed. He had been on his own for a long time. He told himself he just hadn’t seen the point in letting himself get romantically involved with someone, he didn’t deal well with other people, other people didn’t deal well with him, and there was no sense in dragging anyone else down with him. But the truth was, there just hadn’t been anyone he’d cared enough about in that way. And now here was this idiotic Daylighter, who had spurned him at every turn and yet still always seemed to be around. Asking for help, getting into trouble, always expecting something. Raphael thought the Daylighter was going to drive him mad, so why did he keep agreeing to help him every time he asked? Surely he was a lot more trouble than he was worth. He was too closely connected to the Nephilim for a start, and Raphael had always made it a rule of his to keep out of the way of the Nephilim whenever possible.

 _That’s what Bane said too_ , he thought.

‘What was the nightmare?’ Simon asked.

‘Not important.’

‘Was it the same one you told me about? Your friends…?’ 

Raphael sighed. ‘ _Si_.’

‘I didn’t think you still had them.’

‘I haven’t in a while.’

‘Do you think talking about it brought it back up?’

‘I’m trying to sleep.’

Simon was silent for a moment, before saying, ‘If it was then I’m sorry. That was my fault.’

‘You are still talking.’ 

‘Actually, when I had nightmares when I was a kid my mom used to make me talk about them when I woke up. She said talking about them made them less scary, so you were less likely to have them again.’

Raphael said nothing.

‘What did your mom do when you had nightmares?’

‘She used to sing to me until I calmed down again,’ Raphael said. ‘I did the same when I was older and my brothers had nightmares.’

‘You sang to them? I didn’t know you could sing.’

Raphael said nothing. He wondered if his brothers sang the same songs to their children when they had nightmares. He wondered if they thought about him when they did.

‘Do you miss your family?’

‘Either go home or go to sleep, Daylighter.’

Simon laughed softly. ‘Nice to know nothing changes even when we’re in the same bed. I never thought I’d end up here, I have to tell you. I mean, I was surprised by the thought of you having a bedroom.’ He laughed again, then added hurriedly, ‘Not that I would have thought this might happen if I had thought about you having a bedroom. And a bed. A double bed. It’s a very comfortable bed isn’t it? It’s probably more comfortable than my bed. But then I guess nothing but the best is good enough for the mighty Raphael Santiago, right?’

‘ _Dios mio_.’

‘Had you ever had a girlfriend before you became a vampire?’

Raphael said nothing.

‘Or a boyfriend?’

‘No.’

‘Oh... What about after you became a vampire? Do vampires date? Or does being dead sort of put a damper on that? Though being a vampire definitely makes you sexier. Sexy vampire mojo.’

A pause.

‘Wow, that sounded weird. I didn’t mean “you” as in you in particular. You know, just “you” as in vampires in general… Not that I’m saying you’re not… _Dios_ , this is coming out all wrong.’

Raphael couldn’t take it anymore. He turned over, propped up on one elbow over Simon, and pressed his lips against Simon’s. He felt Simon freeze beneath him. And then he relaxed. Simon put one arm around Raphael and plunged the other hand into Raphael’s hair as his lips parted. He tasted of blood. Raphael cupped Simon’s face, running his thumb along Simon’s jaw. He felt Simon’s hand trail down his back, tracing his spine, and then slipped under his shirt. Simon pulled Raphael’s lower lip between his teeth and bit. Raphael moaned. He felt Simon suddenly grin against his mouth.

* * *

Now that he was standing on the roof of the Hotel Dumort, facing the motorbike, Simon was starting to regret accepting Raphael’s offer of a lift home. He remembered this scene well. Sure, last time they were being chased by fighting vampires and werewolves and he had been a rat, but he wasn’t too keen to repeat the experience of sitting on a motorbike that flew when all of his rational reasoning told him it shouldn’t.

Raphael was watching him, the trace of a smirk lingering at the corners of his lips as if he knew what Simon was thinking. It was the smirk that decided him. Trying to act nonchalant, Simon climbed onto the bike behind Raphael.

‘Hold on,’ Raphael said, and with no more than a second’s warning the motorbike shot forward and straight off the edge of the roof.

Simon couldn’t help it; he screamed. His arms went automatically around Raphael’s waist and he held on for dear unlife. The bike fell and fell and though Simon had closed his eyes he could feel the ground getting closer and closer. He waited for the impact at any second. The bike jolted and Simon was sure that was it, they’d hit the ground and they were going to die. Then it shot up into the air. When he opened his eyes, the ground was speeding away from them again.

The wind was loud in his ears so he could feel Raphael laughing more than hear it. He would have been tempted to hit Raphael if he wasn't terrified of falling as soon as he let go. But there was a certain exhilaration in it too, watching the dark city fly past beneath them, a blur of multicoloured lights. Before he knew it, Simon was laughing too. It was a shaky, near-death-experience laugh, but it was a laugh all the same. It wasn’t long before he realised he was actually enjoying the ride. It was so much better when he wasn’t a rat. So much better when it was with Raphael.

Too quickly, Raphael tilted the bike towards the ground. It felt like Simon’s stomach was in his throat, but it wasn’t an entirely unpleasant experience. He didn’t panic as he had the first time they had plummeted towards the ground. He thought maybe it was because he had more trust if Raphael this time. The bike landed much lighter than he had expected (a welcome contrast to the crash he had experienced on his first vampire motorbike ride with Jace and Clary) and rolled to a neat stop before the apartment Simon shared with Jordan.

Simon climbed off the bike. His legs were unsteady, but they held him. Raphael was watching him with an amused glint in his eyes, and it was the first time Simon and let himself truly acknowledge how beautiful he was. His hair was windswept. Simon remembered how soft that hair had been when he had pulled his fingers through the curls. His eyes were wide and dark, glittering in the glow from the streetlight overhead. His cheeks slightly flushed, and a smirk playing about the corners of his mouth. An angel who had misbehaved.

He suddenly realised he’d been staring and cleared his throat loudly, trying to act casual. ‘Erm… thanks for the lift. Maybe next time don’t pretend you’re trying to kill me?’

‘Our whole relationship is based on me trying to kill you, I did not want to disappoint you.’

‘You’ve saved me more times than you’ve tried to kill me.’

‘Does that make it okay?’ Raphael asked, in a tone of voice that told Simon it most definitely did not make it okay. Of all things that had happened in the last few days, that surprised Simon the most. He never though Raphael would regret or feel guilty about his attempt to kill him after he had became a Daylighter.

He just shrugged, unable to think of an adequate response.

‘You said “ _dios_ ”,’ Raphael said.

‘What?’

‘Last night.’

Simon felt himself flush at the memory of last night. So far neither of them had mentioned it, at least not outright. Again, he remembered the feel of Raphael’s hair between his fingers, the way Raphael had dragged his fingers down Simon’s back.

‘You didn’t even realise you’d said it, did you?’ Raphael asked.

Simon shook his head, not trusting himself to speak. He didn’t think he could keep his voice even. Raphael didn’t seem bothered in the slightest about what they had done and Simon didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

‘See you later, Sunshine.’

The bike roared to life beneath his hands and Simon watched as it took off and Raphael disappeared from sight.

* * *

He didn’t see Raphael again for a few nights. He kept meaning to call and ask whether it would be okay to go to the Hotel and continue learning how to hold the Star of David without being burned (the scar on his hand was still very vivid, and for reasons he wasn’t quite sure of he was doing his best to hide it from Jordan, Clary and the Lightwoods), but every time he thought about being back inside the Hotel, in Raphael’s bedroom, he panicked.

 _I’ll wait for him to call me_ , Simon told himself. _He might be busy!_

‘You’re staring at your phone an awful lot, man,’ Jordan commented one night, watching Simon over his dinner plate. ‘You okay?’

‘Yeah,’ Simon said, trying to sound casual. ‘Fine. I’m getting kind of bored sitting in all day though, I think I’ll go for a walk.’

Jordan raised his eyebrows questioningly but said nothing as Simon got to his feet and left the apartment.

It was getting late, the sun just beginning to set. The city didn’t seem nearly as exciting from the ground as it had from the sky, where every light looked like a star, the only sound was the wind in your ears, and the air smelled fresh. So he looked up at the sky instead. No stars up there – too much light pollution – but there was a large, waxing moon, unobscured by clouds, almost full but not quite.

Simon realised he was scanning the skies for signs of vampire bikes, and quickly lowered his eyes again. He walked quickly, hands in his pockets. He tried to avoid largely populated areas. He told himself it was because he preferred to be on his own right now, but really it was because the sound of beating hearts and the smell of fresh blood was becoming overpowering. He hadn’t fed since the last time he was with Raphael. It hadn’t even been intentional… Well, not entirely intentional. He didn’t like to drink blood until he absolutely had to, but mostly he had just forgotten. His mind had been on other things the past few days.

He heard footsteps behind him. His slightly weakened senses sharpened and he felt the hairs on the back of his neck prickle. The footsteps didn’t sound like human footsteps. They were heavier, yet sounded padded. More like a dog’s, but something much bigger than a dog.

Simon’s eyes were drawn up to the almost full moon. He remembered being told that older werewolves were able to control their transformations except for when the moon was completely full. Werewolf cubs had no control. They couldn’t control their transformations and they couldn’t control their actions when they were in wolf form.

He glanced around. The area was deserted, because of course he had wanted to be on his own.

The footsteps behind him paused. Simon kept walking, not wanting to show that he had realised he was being followed in case it spurred on an attack. As calmly as he could despite his trembling hands, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled. He had the phone halfway to his ear when an incredible force hit him from behind, knocking him over. The phone flew out of his hand and clattered to the ground. He felt claws drag down his back and he screamed. He tried to get up but there was a weight on his back, pressing him down. Something – claws or teeth, he didn’t know – sank into his thigh and he screamed again. He tried to kick out with his other leg but could reach only empty air.

The werewolf was snarling viciously, claws raking every inch of Simon’s skin. After a while, Simon stopped screaming. He barely even felt the pain anymore. He lay on the ground as the world moved on around him, everything seeming so distant and far away…

…darkness…

…he became faintly aware that the wolf was no longer attacking him. He thought he heard it yelping somewhere nearby…

He closed his eyes and just let himself drift in the darkness…

…the taste of blood on his lips dragged him from the depths of the darkness. He could think of nothing other than how hungry he was. He drank the blood until there was no more and then darkness folded itself around him again…

…he felt like he was being carried, but his vision was blurred. Images swam before his eyes and were gone faster than he could figure out what they were. It made his head hurt more, so he let his eyes slip closed again…

…hard ground beneath him. A soft soothing sensation, as if someone was stroking his hair, whispering something to him. He heard the words but his mind struggled to process them. Then the owner of the voice was gone and moment later the peacefulness around him was shattered by a scream. It was a scream he’d have recognised anywhere because he had spent all his life trying to protect her from anything that would make her scream like that.

He tried to struggle to full consciousness, wanting – no, _needing_ – to protect Clary. But the effort was too much, and he passed out again.

* * *

He groaned. There was a throbbing ache in his head and he felt dizzy. The surface beneath him seemed to be tilting, like he was on a boat at sea. He coughed, for a moment certain he was going to throw up, but then the feeling passed.

Simon sat up. The motion made him feel dizzy again so he closed his eyes until it was over and the world settled. Then he glanced around. He recognised the room but it took him a moment to remember where it was. Everything was stone, it was dirty and it was dark. Not very welcoming at all. Of course, why would they make such an effort to make a place intended for damned Downworlders look nice? It was the Sanctuary in the Institute.

‘Simon?’ Clary gasped. ‘Simon, you’re okay!’ She threw her arms around him and Simon winced. She backed off again immediately. ‘Sorry!’

Simon examined his arms and legs. He was drenched in blood, but it had all dried. Under the blood, he was completely unharmed. No cuts, no bruises, no broken bones. Then he remembered the phone call he had made right before the attack. He had not had the chance to find out if it had been answered but apparently it had.

Once again, Raphael Santiago had saved his life and returned him safely to his friends.

‘Simon, what happened?’ Isabelle asked. She was sitting on the dirty ground with Alec and Jace, opposite Simon. All three of them were pale, but their expressions showed pure relief.

Simon opened his mouth to tell them he was attacked, but what came out instead was, ‘ _Te amo, mi amor_.’

‘…What?’

‘What does that mean? “ _Te amo, mi amor_?”’

Isabelle and Alec exchanged startled glances, and then Isabelle said, slowly, ‘It means “I love you, my love”. Why?’

Simon stared at her, for a moment sure he had misheard her.

‘Simon?’

He shook his head. ‘Nothing.’

He thought if he hadn’t just almost died, they might have pushed him. But instead they kept quiet. He was grateful, because he didn’t want to tell them where he had heard those words. Who had whispered them to him.

‘Can you stand?’ Clary asked.

‘I think so,’ Simon said, though he wasn’t sure.

Clary helped pull him to his feet and supported him when he was standing.

‘I called Jordan,’ Jace said, as he, Alec and Isabelle also got to their feet. ‘He’s on his way to give you a lift home.’

It was the third time in one week Simon had passed out. Was it any wonder Raphael had no patience with him?

 _He’s got more patience than he lets on_ , Simon thought. _Otherwise he wouldn’t bother with me at all._

And then he thought, _but apparently patience has nothing to do with it._

* * *

Jordan fussed over him all night, making sure he was completely healed, making sure he drank blood.

‘Who saved you?’ Jordan asked. ‘Jace said someone just rang the Institute doorbell and left you on the steps.’

‘I don’t know,’ Simon lied. ‘But whoever it was, I owe them my life.’

When Jordan went to bed, Simon was left alone in his room. He sat on his bed, contemplating the last few days. Raphael’s willingness to help him. To _always_ help him, no matter how annoyed he was. He remembered the sheer panic on Raphael’s face when Simon had fainted in the Hotel, Star of David clutched fiercely in one hand. The way Raphael had shouted at him when he woke up, but how he hadn’t looked angry. And he had learned more about Raphael in the last few days than he than he had since he became a vampire. Than he thought he ever would.

He picked up his phone and absently chewed his lower lip, thinking.

He dialled and put the phone to his ear.

It seemed to ring for a long time and he was about to give up when it was answered on the other end.

‘How many time do I need to save you from dying, Daylighter?’

Simon’s mouth felt dry. He was shaking again, but from a different kind of fear this time.

‘Simon?’

Simon closed his eyes. His name sounded different on Raphael’s lips. ‘I love you too.’

Then he hung up.


End file.
